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Cutting My Fluff.

NOBODY TRULY knows how hard it is for me to keep my mouth from getting me into “trouble”. Quite frankly, I am over the “getting into trouble” phase. I walk THE finest line between what I “should” be saying vs what I actually say. I am 36 years old & struggle with this so I can only fathom the torment my 6 & 2 year olds feel!

This is NOBODY imposing some 1940 rule upon me but rather a simple respect I hold for certain individuals whom I wouldn’t dare jeopardize out of simple common sense & decency. It’s weighing the scale of a choice with the potential consequence(s). Still a lesson I am learning. Slowly.

My Grandparents taught me to be EXACTLY who I am & to be SO very proud. Both my Mimi & my Papa were unbelievably brave souls in their own right. They were both SO ahead of their own time. It’s sort of fascinating. They YEARNED for me to be everything they dreamed of and then some. That’s the beauty of them-they not only paved the way and gave every speck of their souls to doing so but they also created this “monster” inside of both myself (& from what I can already see in my kids) to fight for who we are, what we want, our wildest dreams, don’t fuck with loyalty & go balls to the wall while doing so. We don’t mess around. BUT, they also demanded (somehow without ever actually verbally demanding it) a level of respect that was felt mutually. They respected my ideas, my dreams, my imagination, my needs & therefore I wanted to automatically respect theirs also. Granted, I was their one, their only, their first Grandchild. Maybe my spirit was a bit less challenging & more embraced when it was bestowed upon them vs my mom on a daily basis?

The devils advocate in me is just wondering how I am supposed to parent such equally passionate children when I am the reason they are that way to begin with?! I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t allow for them to say what they are thinking (and they are obviously impulsive as all children are) because they watch both my husband & myself do so EVERY SINGLE DAY!

I want my kids to be who they are & never hesitate in doing so but the question is how to implement choices with consequences within decent reason so that they are still RESPECTFUL, KIND & GRATEFUL human beings?!

My husband & I are two of the most obnoxiously passionate & protective souls to breathe when it comes to those we love most. I am pretty certain both of our Mom’s would agree & have reaped both the benefits as well as the deficits of such “spirited” children! Somehow, we ended up together & so you can imagine our children! On the positive side of that-what I have ALWAYS known & NEVER doubted for a single second is EXACTLY WHO I AM. I know it sounds weird but literally my first memory is a situation where I would have reacted in the EXACT same manner as I did at 3. I know my beliefs & I REFUSE to waiver. I am strong as hell in my convictions & when anything threatens that-I am done. I snap. My mouth is brutal. I just believe certain things & cannot wrap my brain around someone doing differently. My mom has always said I just have the strongest moral compass. I suppose that’s the sweet perception of my personality!

I was a rule follower but a leader who absolutely questioned the rules & feel they are definitely made to be broken if they are fairly argued & justified! Lol. I HATE HEARING NO. Not in a bratty way. I CANNOT stand when someone gives up & refuses to find a solution! MAKE IT HAPPEN!! I feel that if you are rude to people who are somehow helping or serving you-you have entitlement issues & that makes me nauseous. Now, if you try with them & they are STILL rude-I tend to not deal well with that. If you hurt someone I love-DONE. DONE. DONE. That’s that protective thing. Your word is all you have so mean it. Wedding vows are NOT meant to be broken due to dishonesty and deceit. These are some of my basics. I don’t find them to be outlandish by any means.

I do, however, find it to be challenging when I encounter these scenarios & my kids are around or simply overhear me discussing it, etc. I am honest (again, within reason) with my 6 year old. I try so hard to make a lesson out of the situation but I see it in his eyes that he knows EXACTLY what I mean & FULLY understands my disappointment or lack of tolerance. Lucky for me, he’s a really good kid at school & unleashes the rest upon me at home. Totally fine. But he turns into the annoying side of me when he is home. He questions my demands & my rules & purposely pushes & manipulates the situation to argue his side. I WANT HIM TO DO THAT. I don’t want him to stop fighting for anything he feels strongly or passionately about; however, I DO want him to respect both myself, my husband, adults, teachers, etc. & know when to stop. NOT give up but simply choose a different path that’s still within the grounds of respect.

Our son is as protective as his Daddy & I are but he’s not nearly as outspoken as his Mommy (when he’s not in the comfort of our home)! Praise God-sort of. Our daughter, on the other hand, is DEFINITELY more me. I can see it and she’s not yet 3. She’s who she is. No question. She has been since day one. She will never struggle with that. Our son will. Either way, our hands are quite full 😳.

My Papa doesn’t hesitate referring to me as “A Professional Pain in the Ass” nor would anyone argue with him having given me the compliment (I really think it is!) that I would never be kidnapped because nobody could deal with my questions or dialogue long enough. HA!

Is that such a bad thing? I mean, not when it’s presented in that particular reference but one could easily understand how that “compliment” could be seen as anything but a compliment! How do I balance it? Do I just pray I install enough of the good in my kids for them to HOPEFULLY have a strong enough core to trust their judgement at some point? If so, at what point can that really happen?

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