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The Veil of Anxiety.

Endlessly rearing it’s ugly ass head yet pretending I am fine.

Anxiety.

Endlessly making me question my most stable being yet 100% in question.

Anxiety.

Endlessly feeling the hamster on that fucking wheel in my core but winning the “Oscar”for my acting to look the opposite.

Anxiety.

Endlessly wondering why my stomach just feels so “weird” while knowing it’s because of nothing more than my nerves.

Anxiety.

Endlessly wondering why I can’t accomplish jack shit because I am too busy fucking PACING from room to room in order to keep the panic from actually CRIPPLING ME FROM EACH ACTUAL STEP.

WHO AM I KIDDING?

I AM YOUR VICTIM. I surrender.

WAIT-

I FIGHT EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. I WAS BORN A FIGHTER.

I have NEVER fought my anxiety. I NEVER denied my anxiety. It is too damn much.

I JUST DIDNT KNOW WHAT IT WAS!

I was SO taken aback & SO baffled as to why my entire being changed in an instant. It left me ZERO choice from which to stand. It decided my position on my behalf. I had no say.

It’s worse than not breathing.

It’s worse than failure.

It’s worse than drowning.

It is watching all of the above actually occur with your eyes wide open & with complete understanding yet with sheer paralysis. The inability to physically breathe, move, speak & even blink.

Moments are not moments. Sheer survival takes precedence.

That piece of art, “Scream” (not to sound horribly cliché) tends to come to mind. It’s screaming so loudly no one can actually hear. It must be of dog pitch sound. It’s a desperation most cannot fathom or contrive.

The level of loneliness is unfathomable. It’s so lonely. It’s so sad. It’s not depressive for me because I am GENUINELY NOT a depressed person. I am tormented. Tormented in SUCH a different realm….

My babies can be playing in my beautiful backyard. The grass is crisp green, the sky is crystal clear blue & my kids (7 & 3) can be playing as though Hollywood has cast them for these perfect roles in a Lifetime Movie.

I AM MISSING THESE MOMENTS.

ANXIETY DOES NOT DISCRIMINATE.

LIFE CAN BE PERFECT. PICTURES CAN BE PERFECT. MOMENTS CAN BE PERFECT.

ANXIETY DOES NOT DISCRIMINATE.

ANXIETY IS MY STALKER. I AM ITS PREY. IT ATTACKS MY EXISTENCE. IT RUINS MY EVERY MOMENT OF HAPPINESS. MY SANCTITUDE. MY SMILES. MY BEAUTIFUL MEMORIES. MY PEACE.

IT EATS ME ALIVE.

PLEASE. SOMETHING STOP IT. 🙏🏼

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