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The Agony of Anxiety.

Dude, today was HARD. HARD. HARD.

WAY harder than most of my “normal” days where I am somewhat capable of at least getting through the daily grind (NEVER conquering or doing so without yelling, wanting to lose my mind, etc.) but rather something I can at least feel “OK” about when I place my head on my pillow at night.

I am going to get REALLY personal.

I have been taking Lexapro (my salvation) for around 10 years now. With the exception of taking ZERO, NADA, ZILCH while pregnant with Graham & then taking Zoloft with Violet-it has been my life line. Without it-I don’t think people understand the magnitude of my disability. And YES-this shit is a FULL disability. There is no difference between myself or one in a wheelchair when my brain begins betraying me & today was one of those days.

I am trying to determine whether or not todays battle was caused by a change in manufacturers of my medication or perhaps a need for a dosage alteration or a more overwhelming amount of stressors having occurred over these last few months OR the really fun one could be the potential that it’s D. All of the above! LUCKY ME!!

This happened to me about 6-8 months ago. Same exact thing. Definitely triggered by the fucking change in my medication manufacturer. It just “looked” different. Go ahead, argue it’s the placebo affect. Then, jump inside of my brain & in my body.

Allow for me to introduce the hell I experienced today that I literally could NOT STOP. I felt like a crack head just shaking internally. Only pacing calmed that inner fucking rat race of a battle within me where my body & mind are going 29384723mph yet accomplishing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Now, imagine trying to not feel the guilt when you’re a stay at home mom who lives to be the best I can be as a Mama & your 3 yo is simply wanting to play tea party yet you can’t pull your own head out of your anxiety ridden asshole long enough to not look like you need to be committed. Tears streaming from my eyes, teeth chattering & the only way to calm myself was to take my “bandaid” of a 1/2 of a Xanax because I HAVE TO REMAIN RESPONSIBLE & FUNCTIONING BECAUSE I HAVE MY LITTLE BABIES FOR WHICH TO CARE!

             I CANNOT EVER LIVE IN THE MOMENT. WHY? WHY CAN I NOT SIMPLY ENJOY THE SIMPLE THINGS?!

I could hardly make it through the damn car line pick up at school without feeling as though my body was actually eating through my skin-cell by cell-layer by layer. I am this physical skeleton just smiling this empty smile to the only little creatures I would rather die than EVER be fake or not give my absolute all. Believe me- I am NOT striving for perfection.

I JUST WANT FOR ONE DAY TO FEEL LIKE THOSE MOMS WHOM DESPITE THEIR DAILY STRUGGLES ARE STILL ABLE TO TAKE WITH THEM MAJOR MOMENTS. MOMNTS I CANNOT ENJOY. EVER. 

I am always so busy trying to logistically get from one point to the next just so I can curb any potential of my kids remotely causing me to have a feather ruffle since EVERYTHING secretly makes me feel so overwhelmed that I am NEVER allowing us to. Just fucking LIVE!

I realize that all moms have their headaches & their battles but I can ASSURE you-this isn’t NORMAL. Not to mention, the saddest part is that this is the most “normal” (with the exception of today’s medicinal mishap) I have had the capacity to feel. It’s SO maddening. It’s SO shitty. It’s SO unfair to my little people who deserve SO much more! Yes, I’ve somewhat buried the hatchet with that never being this mom but days like today take me to a different level of grieving.

I FULLY realize we are NOT perfect nor should we strive to be so. I also know that I am just NOT the norm. I don’t function like other people & I know people are full of shit in a lot of their portrayals but I am also very capable of weeding through that bs.

I don’t want my babies wishing I were that mom who took them to the park more (yes, I DESPISE heat & mosquitoes) or stopped for Froyo more or even just took them inside more places vs doing the drive thrus. I mean, they definitely always will wish for those things but I am also genetically disposed to all things convenience! HA!

I am NOT convinced there is any permanent solution. When I finally get on a role with my medicinal cocktail-it’s only a matter of time until my clock strikes midnight & that medicine turns me into a pumpkin.

I HAVE A REAL ILLNESS. IT’S A CHEMICAL IMBALANCE. IT IS TORTURE. I REALIZE MY LIFE COULD BE SO MUCH WORSE BUT YOU ALSO HAVE NO IDEA OF THE TORMENT ANXIETY ENTAILS. 

HELP SOMEONE WITH ANXIETY. REACH OUT TO THEM. SHARE YOUR STORY. WHAT HAS WORKED FOR YOU? 

 

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