Let’s face it-EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US ARE FUCKING WALKING ZOMBIES…maybe you’re one of the lucky few who have ZERO clue as to wtf I am talking about? MAYBE, you’re someone who has been thinking that (secretly) & until this VERY second just hadn’t yet admitted it so it wouldn’t be “real”? OR you could be JUST LIKE ME. ODDLY, I feel like I am actually somewhere in that “middle” 🤔😮. We are TIRED AF, we feel like shit regularly, we forget every damn thing we shouldn’t and then some & most likely are (if not FULLY falling for them altogether) finding ourselves pausing long enough to at least skim & scan the overall articles of each & every damn “Get Thin Quick!” “Get More Energy!!” campaign in the hopes that one of them will result in a miracle of some sort.
I don’t care if you’re 400 lbs or 140lbs. It doesn’t matter if it’s losing a ton of weight or that fucking last 5-10 that REFUSES to fucking disappear-it’s all the same as attempting to win a marathon yet the groundwork simply doesn’t exist.
What I am saying is that if we wanted to run a race-we have the recipe in order to do so.
We would train, we would condition, we would know our distance required, we would then be aware of where exactly we’d be running with points being quite blatantly outlined along with damn banners, signs, whistles, escorts, etc. literally guiding us across the finish line.
What the hell happens when you are doing everything in your power to “train” or to strive to achieve the demands of running our day to day “marathon” more commonly referred to as “LIFE” & YET that path we must travel to FINALLY “cross the finish line” simply does NOT exist?
Wait…or maybe it doesn’t right NOW but WHAT IF IT CAN??
If I seriously see one more damn drink, shake, juice, meal, supplement, or fucking “miracle” advertised on social media or on some long ass annoying commercial that interrupts my Law & Order episode when I am ANNOYINGLY awake at 3am FOR NO REASON & trying to just get a little more sleep before the daily grind begins-I AM GOING TO GO ROGUE.
For those who don’t know-I had 1/2 of my thyroid removed 2 years ago due to a pretty massive benign nodule that was impeding upon my throat & neck resulting in simple odd irritations. I would wake up in the middle of a deep sleep just choking & coughing, my neck looked like I was on steroids, etc. Regardless, my thyroid levels have ALWAYS been “normal!” Ok! That’s a relief!! Fast Forward…
Ever since I’ve had Violet (Summer 2015), I have just been “off“. My anxiety has steadily gotten worse & worse (I’ve adjusted meds accordingly but went over a decade on the same med & dosage until I got pregnant with Graham(I took ZERO meds aside from prenatal with him & felt ZERO need for any!! Thank you, hormones!) but SLAMMED into a brick wall of sheer HELL that DEFINED anxiety at exactly 2 months postpartum. Once I restarted my Lexapro at that point, I had to increase (from my pre-pregnancy dosage) very shortly after & probably 2 more times until I was pregnant with Violet. I took Zoloft with Violet. EXACTLY 2 months following her birth-HELLO ANXIETY. Even despite being on my Zoloft all along-I was crippled by my anxiety. NOT depression. 100% ANXIETY. My Doctor realized it was time for some stronger shit & just put me back on my pre-pregnancy dose of Lexapro but we found that, again, I was in need of a raise fairly soon after restarting the med. Since Violet, I’ve had to adjust my dosage 2 times. She’s 3. As you can gather, it’s getting increasingly closer together that I am in need of an increase. My anxiety is more rapidly beginning to suffocate my entire being.
Clearly, having TWO vs one child is more difficult. I get all of the various variables attributing themselves into the perfect equation to add to my issues BUT this is different. This isn’t even relevant to my kids. It’s just ME.
I had a tubal on the table following my CS with Violet (Graham’s vaginal birth is another topic for a different blog 😳) because I knew she was the icing on this family’s cake. DONE. Again, she is 3. I would say that over the last 3 years, my period has done nothing but get heavier & heavier & longer & longer & closer together EVERY SINGLE TIME! It’s AWFUL! I am lucky enough to get my “cramps” in my lower back so I walk like I have a stick up my ass & essentially do but it’s not up my ass but rather my vagina while I am trying to keep the worlds largest, most absorbent tampon shoved inside of me to attempt to simply remain accident free for at least an hour at a time.
The hair loss shit. Ok, I am not going to lie-I won in the hair genetic department (thanks, Dad) because I have a FUCK ton of it & it’s not anything like I am balding BUT I lose CLUMPS & HANDFULS MULTIPLE times each DAY. You should see the shower walls when I wash my hair. GOOD LORD. I really haven’t a clue as to how I still have this much hair!
Allow me to recap this fun stuff:
-I am just fucking running on empty 360/365 days/year.
-I haven’t woken up feeling refreshed or remotely rested in probably 4 years. I have to essentially “talk myself into” my daily activities & have lessened the standards of my daily accomplishments little by little!
-I can’t remember the last time I stayed asleep throughout the whole night. In fact, this has suddenly kicked my ass quite abruptly by going from the “normal” tossing & turning & noticing the clock maybe 3 or so times throughout the night to FULL BLOWN WIDE EYED & AWAKE ALL NIGHT 👀😳. I am talking about in the last month or two. Fun. Here’s the deal-I have NEVER EVER EVER had an issue sleeping. It’s SERIOUSLY one of my TOP 3 MOST FAVORITE things to do in the world! Ask ANYONE who knows me at all!
-Yes, I have been damn fortunate with weight. I have. I was a ballerina my whole life & that seemed to shape my body pretty damn well long after I retired my slippers & into even motherhood without working out or watching every morsel of food I touched. I CANNOT shake this pesky 5-8 lbs I don’t particularly care for on my torso & thighs (i genuinely do nothing to help it but I have not changed anything else about myself either?!). Wait-I don’t even give a shit about the lbs. I care about toning vs losing actual weight. I just don’t enjoy the requirements to obtain that result. BUT I HAVE NEVER HAD AN ISSUE BEFORE THIS!
-Wigs worth of hair being lost.
“Katie, good news! All of your hormone test results look perfectly normal!”