I thought that I was surely unnoticeable lying in the fetal position on the sidewalk. Yes, the location was on of the one of two “main drags” on this tiny little island BUT I figured it was only myself & the VERY dark night despite the few cars passing. Granted, it was at a round about so people had to slow down a bit but that island was PITCH black. You couldn’t see a single thing other than what was directly in the scope of your high beams.
Somehow, two women saw me. I was inconsolable. If you’re wondering how in the hell I arrived at that location-we had decided to go for a drive together. It transpired into a very long, intense & raw conversation between myself & my husband after a few months of us being in this less than blissful state. Truth be told-I begged him to pull aside & allow me to PLEASE escape the claustrophobic feeling that flooded my entire being because the topic of discussion in that car ride was simply JUST. TOO. MUCH. Yet, it wasn’t even close to the actual reality I’d soon be facing.
“Ma’am!!! Are you ok?!”
“Honey! Please tell us what happened!”
“We have called the police & they are on their way to help you!!”
Despite seemingly so, I was not in any physical harm or danger. I was only crushed emotionally & that was due to a LONG build up of questions, unknowns, heartbreaks, anger, fights and everything in between that we had been experiencing for the several months we had decided to live apart while his job was completed.
I WAS A WRECK. There are NO words to describe my state of mind. It felt like I was watching my version of a horror movie actually come to fruition. I had ZERO control. Zero say. Zero ability to react. ZERO ABILITY TO FIX ANYTHING.
Allow me to preface-I will NEVER be seen as some tragic victim in any of this! I take FULL responsibility for being quite a challenge myself. Never leaving well enough alone type of personality. I am annoying, a “professional pain in the ass” as my Papa so accurately titles me & someone who does NOT HEAR the actual word “NO!!’ That is ME. Always has been. That has NEVER changed in me. Ever.
I simply wanted to stay put in my little cocoon on that sidewalk along the road where I, sadly, felt more grounded & peaceful than I had in months.
The police did arrive. I zapped back into reality & began walking towards the only friends home I knew. It was a minor two small blocks away. It didn’t matter where I was. I was as lost as they came. My world as I knew it had ended. I knew it in my gut. I just didn’t know the magnitude of exactly how much life would never be the same for me. Ever.
Barefoot, alone & in an hysterical state of mind I’d never actually experienced prior-this was now my new reality. This was something that my life had become. I had no reasons, no explanations BUT I sure as fuck knew that my sense of “peace” (mine has NEVER been really wholesome due to my traumas in my own life) would most likely be forever interpreted as either fear or something I’d eternally dread for the rest of my life.
My husband. My brut of a force of a protector from whom I actually had forgotten what fear meant for 12 years of my adult life was now the one instilling my heartache, my biggest fears of being alone in this world, my every nightmare I’d so beautifully achieved no longer actually controlling my world. Ever. He would NEVER allow ANYTHING to EVER harm me. Ever. Not physically. NOTHING PHYSICALLY.
Emotionally…he may just have been the very soul to allow me to lose my virginity to the devastation of being emotionally destroyed. My protector didn’t protect me. He didn’t shield me. He told me “i couldn’t handle the reality of what he needed to tell me.”
He was right. I stopped him well before he attempted that experiment on me.
I am a damn strong girl but when it comes to the absolute love of my soul-the idea of that being a facade was just too much. That’s what my father did to me. He was NOTHING he pretended to be. He was one big act. Joke. Liar. What if that’s what my beautiful husband, my safety net, my escape from the fears of ever being mislead & lied to again were reinventing themselves in present day. Only this time, it was my own husband.